Uncategorized

Vuvuzelas Go Viral

The blessedly buzzing vuvuzela has been recognized by almost every soccer pundit (or US media member being forced to cover the World Cup) as the most annoying thing in sports since Dick Vitale debuted on ESPN in 1979.

Personally, I find it charming that South Africa has found a way to survive the incessant drone of most World Cup futbol matches with something lively and just as droning. Hey, if it annoys the French, it’s OK by me.

The attention given to the vuvu during this year’s World Cup has led to at least 20 apps being produced for the iPhone. Five of them are free and they range from being able to shake your phone and produce that deep buzzing sound to having to actually blow into the microphone of the phone until you develop smokers cough trying to reach the upper limit of vuvuzela nirvana.

Now that we can take this horn anywhere, I’m thinking that it should be introduced to other sports and we should not be dissuaded from last week’s Florida Marlins promotion.

The Masters: Picture the azaleas in bloom next spring with the carpet like green of Augusta National putting on its most spectacular show. Phil Mickelson and Tiger Woods are knotted at minus-5 heading to Amen Corner during Sunday’s round. Tensions are high and then …

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!

The hundreds of patrons resting at the apex of the 11th fairway and 12th tee box come alive like swarm of killer bees hoping unnerve the fearsome twosome. Tiger recalls that sound from the fan in the walk-in cooler at a Orlando-area Perkins Restaurant. The vuvuzelas do their thing as Tiger dips his tee shot on 12 in the water faster than you can scream, “Hey look, isn’t that Joslyn James!?!”

World Series of Poker: Shelly “’Bama Bones” McManus, a recovering meth addict from Muscle Shoals, has made an unprecedented run to the Main Event Final Table of Texas Holdem and is staring down Phil Ivey to take the bracelet. She raises 320k; her stoic poker face slightly twitches. Ivey thinks she’s bluffing and raises her even though he’s only holding ace, nine off. McManus looks poised to capture the kitty when the flop puts her in position for a flush, as she’s holding pocket eights. As the turn hits the table…

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!

The noise doesn’t really phase anyone as they are too drunk/stoned to care. Norman Chad did rise from his couch, but only to duck under the table and hold his hands tight to his ears. FIFA begins coaxing WSOP professionals into taking referee positions in Africa, abandoning their recruitment campaign in Mali.

Olympic Curling: A paunchy Canadian with advanced male-pattern baldness is attempting to throw a block to keep the ambitious team from Costa Rica from one of the world’s biggest upsets in frozen shuffleboard. All of Manitoba is glued to their ice shanty TV sets as they wet their hooks in hopes of bringing up another walleye. On an adjacent rink the South African team is tied with the USA going into the final round. As he hurls the stone toward the house the South Africans make a strategic play and…

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!

The Canadian stone ends up as a hogger when the sweepers lose their concentration and slip on the ice, one of them impaling himself on a broomstick. The moment yields the highest ratings in curling history; ice shanties across Lake Winnipeg shake off of their hoists, breaking the ice, and drowning 26 inebriated fisherman.

Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show: The tension in Madison Square Garden is so thick you could cut it with a Korean butcher knife. The judges are ready to crown another canine diva as the Best in Show competition is underway. Bouillabaisse’s Best Bling, a Scottish Terrier, is the favorite heading into the final round. “Introducing, ladies and gentlemen, the seven finalists for this year’s Best in Show. The winner of the sporting group, Brittany Number 22…

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!
The arena erupts in the sound of terrified howling not seen since Michael Vick’s re-creation a WWE Monday Night Raw grudge match at the back of his Virginia estate. The Brittany breaks free and bites two of the judges, chews a toy poodle in half, and mounts a long-haired dachshund, thus sealing the deal and handing the crown to the Bloodhound who is completely un-phased by the annoying hum in the air.

PETA issues a decree the following day announcing their intent to rid the world of the vuvuzela. Congress then announces hearings the next week in which they will bring bank, fast food and oil executives together to collectively blame them for all of the ills of society, including the vuvuzela. The political momentum motivates President Obama to sign an Executive Order immediately outlawing the use of vuvuzela’s at every event except the Republican National Convention and he heads off to get in a round of golf before attending that evening’s Steven Strasburg start for the Nationals.

Hal Holbrook’s career as a pitchman is over. Miracle Ear’s share drop by 75 percent. Railroad horn makers claim their spot at the top of the decibel market again. Nations rejoice. And the English tabloids blame their team’s poor performance on vuvuzela-induced vertigo.

© 2010 Teflon Don Sports.